The Exorcist's Invoice
Intro
They came to cast the devil out.
They brought a card reader.
Apparently, evil takes contactless.
Verse 1
My family hired an exorcist
To drive the woman out.
He brought three men, a card machine,
And not a shred of doubt.
He asked me how I'd come to this.
I said, “Through quite a lot.”
He checked the premium package
And said, “That's what I thought.”
Pre-Chorus
He lit a candle. Rang a bell.
Said Latin rather badly.
I asked him what his training was.
He crossed himself quite sadly.
Chorus
The power of Christ compels you
To settle the outstanding fee.
He's driven out my savings;
He's had less luck with me.
There's a surcharge for the incense,
And the screaming's billed per hour.
Apparently the demon
Has considerable staying power.
Verse 2
He asked me for my childhood name.
I said, “I don't use that.”
He wrote “refuses to cooperate”
And passed around the hat.
I asked him not to touch my hair.
He said, “It fears the light.”
I asked him if he'd leave me be.
He booked another night.
Pre-Chorus
I rolled my eyes. He cried, “A sign!”
I swore. He fetched the Bible.
He scorched the rug. I asked who'd pay.
He said, “We're never liable.”
Chorus
The power of Christ compels you
To settle the outstanding fee.
He's driven out my savings;
He's had less luck with me.
There's a surcharge for the incense,
And the screaming's billed per hour.
Apparently the demon
Has considerable staying power.
Verse 3
He said he'd seen a hundred girls
Brought back from Satan's grip.
I asked him where those women were.
He said he'd send a clip.
The incense set the smoke alarm
To shrieking in the hall.
He charged for “voices from beyond.”
I took it off the wall.
My head did spin.
That was when I saw the total.
Bridge
I spent so long rehearsing
How to ask to be allowed
To hear my name without a laugh,
To say it once out loud.
Take the shame I didn't ask for.
Take the fear of being seen.
Leave the woman at the table.
She's the best I've ever been.
Final Chorus
The power of Christ compels you
To settle the outstanding fee.
He's welcome to the incense.
He's not taking me.
There's a surcharge for the candles,
But I've found a cheaper cure:
I've put his case out on the step.
I've shown him to the door.
Outro
Three assistants.
One brass bell.
A card declined.
A last farewell.
He came to drive the woman out.
She lives here.
He does not.
He said he'd pray for me.
Is that included?